The Abominable Snow-Sue
by Yohko Kiyoto
Summary: As the title implies, this is not your average Mary-Sue. In fact. it's a parody! What happens when the Fellowship discover a beautiful girl frozen on the pass of Caradhras? Why does almost everyone immediately fall in love with her? And why is Gandalf


Whoo, this story was SO much fun!  
  
Disclaimer – I own Crystal. That's all. Tolkien owns the rest of the characters, as well as the places. Oh, "Can't Make You Love Me" belongs to Britney Spears, and she is WELCOME to it.  
  
And another thing – The original idea came from my sis, J-chan. ^_^  
  
1 The Abominable Snow-Sue  
  
By: Yohko Kiyoto  
  
The pass of Caradhras. Snow swirled around the struggling group of people, making progress even harder. It was an odd group, indeed, consisting of quite a variety of creatures: three humans, one wearing gray robes and a pointed gray hat. Four hobbits, short, curly-haired, and furry- footed. An elf, tall and fair, the only one not trudging through the cold powder, and walking on top of it. A dwarf, short and… um… dwarf-ish. And also, a horse. Not sure how happy that horse was…  
  
Suddenly, one of the hobbits by the name of Pippin, tripped and fell. Merry helped him up. "Are you okay? What happened?"  
  
"I… I tripped over something."  
  
"Hey, what's the hold up?" Boromir asked, stopping short in front of the two hobbits.  
  
Pippin looked down. "I tripped over some ice…" He cocked his head, staring at the chunk of ice sticking out of the snow.  
  
"Gentlemen, why are you stopping?" Aragorn halted the rest of the Fellowship and walked over to Pippin, Merry, and Boromir.  
  
"Nothing, I just tripped…" Pippin was, by now, embarrassed. "There was some ice sticking out of the snow…"  
  
"Some ice…? Wait a minute…" Sam came over and brushed aside the snow, revealing more of the object. "There's… something in it!" Indeed, in the ice, the fellowship could see the blur of… well, something. "I think there's someone in there!" After a few more minutes, they uncovered a block of ice tall as a human.  
  
"I don't like this…" Gandalf muttered, but lit a fire anyway.  
  
About half an hour later, they had almost melted all the ice. By now, they could tell a little more about the figure inside. It was a girl, with long, auburn hair.  
  
Then, when the ice was completely melted, she opened her glittering emerald green eyes and stared at her rescuers, who stared back. "Who are you…?" She asked in a soft, musical voice. For a moment, no one responded; they were speechless. She was stunningly beautiful, with a smooth complexion and a nice figure. She wore a tight, short white shirt with a v- neck, sparkling, tight, dark blue flare jeans, and black, rhinestone- studded platform boots. Despite her odd clothes and rounded ears, she look positively elven, with her fair skin, slender body, and straight, semi- braided hair. "Hello?" She stood, brushing snow off her butt, as the entire fellowship watched the action.  
  
Legolas was the first to regain his voice. He bowed. "Hello, I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. What is your name?"  
  
The girl flashed a beautiful smile at the elf. "My name is Crystal Josei."  
  
"It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Crystal." He kissed her hand.  
  
Aragorn shoved Legolas out of the way, which would have normally been impossible, but the prince was completely preoccupied with the elf-like human. "Nice to meet you, I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn." Crystal just smiled politely.  
  
One by one, the fellowship members tripped over each other to introduce themselves, with the exception of Gandalf.  
  
Once greetings were over, they came down to the more serious topics. "How did you end up frozen up here?" Merry asked.  
  
Crystal frowned, slightly. "I don't know…"  
  
The young hobbit immediately regretted asking her, just having made her sad, even more a split second. "Never mind, it's not important."  
  
"What are you guys doing up here, anyway?" She asked, twirling a lock of silky hair around her finger.  
  
"I'm on a quest, destroy the One Ring of Power," Frodo told her immediately.  
  
"Wow, you're so brave!"  
  
Frodo grinned, while the rest of the fellowship (excluding Gandalf) glared at him.  
  
"Wait… what's that?" Crystal put a hand to her ear. "Does anyone else hear it…?"  
  
"I do! A voice…" Legolas spoke.  
  
"Saruman… as I expected, he's watching our progress," Gandalf sighed. At that moment, the swirling snow got worse and the ledge they stood on began to shake.  
  
"Oh!" Crystal let out a small shriek as an avalanche of snow suddenly fell from above. Legolas pulled her into the safety under the ledge, and waited with the rest of the fellowship for the falling snow to subside.  
  
"It's no use… we must go through the mines!" Frodo called to the others. Gandalf, nodded. "So we shall."  
  
  
  
"The mines are no place for a pony. Goodbye Bill." Sam patted the horse on the neck, and it trotted off.  
  
Crystal and Frodo stood in front of the entrance to Moria. "Speak, friend, and enter…" She muttered to herself. Suddenly, she spoke loudly. "Mellon!" With a creak, the doors opened. The others stared at her.  
  
"How did you…?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Simple," Gandalf spoke before the girl could. "Mellon is elvish for friend."  
  
"Oh!" Pippin exclaimed. "It was a riddle!"  
  
Crystal smiled, not noticing Gandalf's distrusting stare. '~How could a normal girl have come up with that?~' He asked himself.  
  
The Fellowship walked in, Gimli babbling about it was there, though it was doubtful anyone was listening. "And they call it a mine!" He spoke loudly as Gandalf made a light at the top of his staff. "A mine!" He repeated.  
  
"This is no mine…" Boromir said as they received a better look at their surroundings. "It's a tomb!"  
  
Crystal shrieked and jumped away from a skeleton she'd been almost standing on. "Oh, gross!"  
  
Legolas pulled an arrow out of another skeleton. "Goblins!"  
  
"AAH!" Frodo screamed, suddenly, as he fell to the ground. Turning, the fellowship could see a slimy tentacle wrapped around his leg, dragging him out of the mine (tomb?) and towards the murky waters of the lake. They acted fast, but despite their efforts, Frodo hung over the lake above the mouth of the creature.  
  
"HYAA!" There was the crunching of stones, then a slash, a whistling sound from a blade slicing through air, and then through flesh, and a splash. When it was over, Crystal held Frodo in her arms. But the creature was not done with the group of travelers. "Into the mines!" She cried, and they all ran in, rocks caving in, blocking their exit.  
  
"We have no choice but to go forward." Gandalf recreated the light in his staff and they continued on. For a good few hours they trudged on through the dark, dank cave, until they were worn out. They stopped to get some sleep.  
  
Crystal was the first watch, and so sat up while the others immediately fell asleep. Well, almost all of the others, but the beautiful girl didn't notice that the Elven prince was awake. She began to sing, softly.  
  
"Don't care about money  
  
It doesn't give me half the thrill  
  
To the thought of you, honey  
  
So tell me that you want me still  
  
If only I could trade the fancy cars  
  
For a chance today, it's incomparable  
  
I might be sitting with the movie stars  
  
Everybody say that I have it all  
  
But I can't make you love me  
  
Is it my life or the things I do?  
  
Can't make you love me  
  
I'm just a girl with a crush on you"  
  
"Crystal…?"  
  
She gasped. "Legolas! You were listening to me…"  
  
He nodded, sitting up. "I couldn't help it. You're a wonderful singer." She had the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard.  
  
She blushed prettily, leaning against him. "Thank you." She stared up at him, emerald eyes gazing into ocean blue.  
  
"Crystal… I think I love you."  
  
"I think I love you, Legolas." The leaned closer, their lips met…  
  
The next day, the fellowship arrived in the great halls of Moria.  
  
"Well there's an opener, and no mistake…" Sam muttered.  
  
"It's amazing…" Crystal breathed, dashing daintily ahead of the others.  
  
But in a moment, Gimli tore his eyes away from her and saw light… coming from a room. With a cry, he rushed toward it.  
  
"Gimli!" Gandalf shouted. But it was no use. The rest of the fellowship ran in, to see the dwarf wailing with grief, kneeling by a large stone.  
  
"Here lies Balin, son of Hrundin," the old wizard read the dwarf-ish description. "So he is dead… it is as I feared." He shook his head, then, giving his hat and staff to Pippin, picked up an old book in the hands of a skeleton and opened it, some pages falling out. As he read the entries, Crystal lay a comforting hand on Gimli's shoulder, which seemed to cheer him up a bit. "We can not get out. They are coming…" That was the last of it.  
  
A sudden crash cut through the silence. The entire group turned to look at Pippin, who had managed to knock a skeleton into a well.  
  
After a long series of clangings, there was silence once more. After breathing a sigh of relief, Gandalf snatched his hat and staff from the hobbit. "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!"  
  
Silently, the rest of the fellowship left the room and continued on their way. Crystal walked next to Aragorn, who just kept talking to himself. ~Remember Arwen, rmember Arwen, remember Arwen, remember-DAMN!~ The girl beside him looked up innocently.  
  
"Aragorn!" Gandalf suddenly roared.  
  
The ranger jumped. "What!?"  
  
"Step away from Crystal. Now!"  
  
Aragorn's eyes narrowed. "Oh, now YOU want her?"  
  
"She's MINE!" Frodo and Legolas shouted out at once. Then turned and glared at eachother.  
  
"Don't you see?!" Gandalf exclaimed. "She's a Mary-Sue!"  
  
The three exchanged glances. They had heard of Mary-Sue's, but had never actually met one. "… Why should we believe you?!" Frodo shouted.  
  
"Because I'm an old, wise, wizard, dammit!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!" Another voice shrieked. They all turned and looked at Crystal.  
  
"Get out of here! I won't let you poison their minds!" Gandalf shouted at her.  
  
"AAAAAH! I had them! You will PAY~!!" She screamed, growing larger and larger. In a moment, the was as tall as a Balrog, and engulfed in flame.  
  
"RUN! Quickly!" The fellowship obeyed the commands of the wizard and dashed off. They were approaching the bridge of Khazad-Dum. They hurried across it, but Gandalf stopped right in the middle and turned to the transformed Crystal. "You shall not pass!!" There was a flash of light as her attack was blocked. "YOU….SHALL NOT… PASS!!!!!!" He screamed. The bridge began to crumble, then collapsed under the demon (ess?). Victorious, the old man turned and began back. But something caught his ankle. Crystal had created a fire whip, and was taking him down with her.  
  
"GANDALF!!" Frodo screamed. But it was no use, their leader and comrade was gone. It wasn't until they were outside once again that someone spoke.  
  
"Look…" Merry held up a small book. "She dropped this."  
  
Bormir took it and began to read.  
  
2 The diary of Crystal Josei, Lord of the Rings Mary-Sue extraordinaire  
  
October 23  
  
My plan is perfect! Today I will teleport to Middle-Earth, right in the middle of the council. Haha… the hotties of the fellowship will soon be mine!  
  
October 25  
  
Damn, wouldn't you know it! I miscalculated and landed on the Pass of Caradhras! Oh well. I'll find them.  
  
November 1  
  
Unbelievable! I was frozen by the snow! Fortunately, the fellowship discovered me. Coincidence? Mary-Sue's practically live on those mysterious forces!  
  
Unsurprisingly, they were all immediately infatuated with me. Except for Gandalf, but he's just an old geezer. He wouldn't be caught by my feminine charms, I suppose.  
  
Fortunately, none of them had the wit to wonder why I'd gotten no side effects from being frozen.  
  
November 2  
  
I made progress today. I saved Frodo from that monster in the lake. When he thanked me later, he also told me he loved me. Wonderful.  
  
One down.  
  
November 5  
  
Ha! Legolas confessed his love for me last night! A little of my beautiful singing voice, and he was hooked.  
  
Now there's only Aragorn left. I can easily make him forget Arwen. Mwahahaha!  
  
That was it.  
  
Legolas, Frodo, and Aragorn stared numbly at each other, until the human broke the silence, speaking to the entire fellowship. "Let's get our stories straight. Gandalf was dragged down into the pits by a Balrog. He fought bravely, but it was too much. He gave his life to save us.  
  
The others nodded, and began their trek to Lothlorien.  
  
~Owari~  
  
A.N. Wahaha! That was fun! ^^ No offense to any Mary-Sue writers, by the way.  
  
Oh, and if you got the wrong idea… I DESPISE BRITNEY SPEARS!  
  
Ja ne!  
  
~Yohko 


End file.
